No doubt about it. Your wedding day is very special

• What can you expect your first year of marriage?
• Many find the first year of marriage difficult
• Survivors learned to make adjustments

WHY DO YOU NEED TO SURVIVE YOUR FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE?

“Omigosh. It was horrible. We fought so much that first year!”

We’re quoting Glen here, a young husband talking about his first year of marriage. He said: “Before we were married I saw everything in black and white. I knew exactly how to be a great husband and was sure I could handle any problem. Ha! Once we were married I discovered I knew zilch.”

Renee, Glen’s wife, admitted: “I cried more the first year we were married than ever before in my life. It was not what I expected.”

Happily, Renee and Glen have now been married for over six years. They have adjusted – and they are very happy.

True, there are also many wonderful experiences to be shared during your first year of marriage, and not every couple finds their first year as difficult as did Glen and Renee. But many do. It’s no wonder: Two different personalities are living together for the first time – and not just as roommates, but as a married couple. New pressures and challenges pop up constantly and neither one has experienced how to handle them.

LOOKING BEYOND THE WEDDING DAY

Surviving the First Year of Marriage  —  Start Before You are Married.

What sort of problems will you face during Year One? More importantly – how can you survive your first year of marriage?

For months, or maybe years, most young couples contemplating marriage dream about either being a princess in a beautiful wedding gown, or of the excitement of their wedding night and romantic honeymoon. But weddings only last a few hours. And the wedding night is just that — one night. Honeymoons are seldom longer than a week, maybe two. Then what?

Marriage is more than a beautiful dress and a honeymoon

How well do you know the person you are suddenly living with? Sure, dating helped you to get to know them. But dating couples frequently let romance blind them to the flaws of their future mates. Not to mention they are usually both on their best behavior while dating.

Living with someone is a whole new ballgame. Your mate may try to “be perfect” during the first weeks after the honeymoon: For instance, a wife may go to great lengths to make certain her husband only sees her looking her very best and a husband might lavish his wife with enormous amounts of attention. But is this going to be typical of the rest of their married life? Come on. Let’s be realistic.

You will see each other in unglamorous situations

Your Different Upbringings Can Cause Clashes.

After a month or two of marriage, you will finally find out what your mate is really like. Is he humble or high-minded? Is she reasonable or petty? Is she modest or is she vain? Is he kind & considerate or selfish & unyielding?

When you live with someone you will see them at their best and at their worst: when they are sick, when they wake up in the morning and when they are tired and dirty after a long hard day at work. Also, you will find there are any number of circumstances that can crowd out the time required for the constant attention shown each other during those first blissful weeks of marriage — problems like emergency home repairs, ill parents or siblings, job demands — Well, you get the picture.

Your mates skills may be different than your parents

Another thing: You might find some of your mate’s habits are (surprise!) unpleasant. This is probably because their upbringing was different than yours. Glen was an only child. Renee had seven brothers and sisters. Glen was from Maine. Renee was from New Mexico. Both found old habits died slowly and both had to make certain adjustments.

SURVIVING THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE BY DEALING WITH DIFFERENCES

Keep a Sense of Humor. Put forth the effort to grow together.

How will you deal with differences like these? Glen and Renee both agreed they kept their sense of humor. Both remembered that they loved each other very much, and they built their daily lives around their similarities.

Do that and you will find that you will grow together.

Oh, sure: The faucet may still leak and supper may still be “foreign.” But you will learn much about each other as you laugh away minor catastrophes. If you can laugh at them, minor problems will become your fond memories.

Does it take effort to keep the spark of interest alive in a relationship? Of course it does. But don’t let the relationship stagnate. Rather than dwelling on differences, build on similarities. Grow together and you’ll never outgrow each other.

You will survive your first year of marriage.

More about this in future articles.

Teaching Kids Values Requires a good example; understanding, and correction where needed.

Parental example plays an important role in successfully teaching kids values.. When a newspaper columnist was asked to name the biggest obstacle parents face in training children, he answered:  “Themselves.”

TEACHING KIDS VALUES REQUIRES A GOOD PARENTAL EXAMPLE

Parents communicate with their kids in many ways

Give them something to emulate.

TEACHING KIDS VALUES REQUIRES PARENTAL UNDERSTANDING

A high school boy once reported that twice he tried to talk to his mother about the drug problem he was experiencing at school.

What was mom’s reply?   “Stay away from the pushers,”  she said.

OK. Not bad advice. But did it help? Evidently not, because the boy still felt trapped by the pressure and did not know how to break away from it. This is where he needed understanding first, and then guidance. Not just platitudes.

When young people face problems they can’t handle, their first recourse should be to turn to their parents for answers. But such trust can easily be destroyed if parents fail to show understanding of their situation.

Even if no immediate solution is available, when understanding is shown the lines of communication are kept open.

More about this in a future article.

Communication includes understanding what your child is feeling

TEACHING KIDS VALUES REQUIRES CORRECTION

Correction is another essential in training children. Parents need to set boundaries. Youngsters need to learn what is right and wrong – and why.

When parents reason with their children on matters such as these, and set the example themselves in their daily lives, the lesson is learned far better than if the children were merely given rules.

A Police Department in Texas several years ago distributed a pamphlet entitled  “Rules for raising delinquent children.” It was obviously written tongue-in-cheek, but it’s not hard to get the points:

• Begin with infancy to give the child everything he wants. In this way he will grow to believe the world owes him a living.
• When he picks up bad words, laugh at him. This will make him think he’s cute.
• Never give him any spiritual training. Wait until he is 21 and then let him ‘decide for himself.
• Avoid use of the word ‘wrong.’ It may develop a guilt complex.
  

  While corporal punishment like this may be outdated, children still need discipline

Parents naturally are concerned about bringing up their children to have a good value system. Yes, this will take a great deal of effort, but no investment of time and energy is too great when the result is a happy and meaningful life for your children

As time passes social customs change. But the responsibility of parents to properly inculcate in their children core values does not. Despite all of the negative influences faced by young people today, many are still raised with a deep sense of right and wrong and

You can reap the reward of bringing up your children with such satisfying results if you now take steps to train, teach, and protect them.

Is it possible for two people to live “happily ever after”? Yes. We have all known of many such marriages.

But there are vital keys we need to know to help make this possible. Both husband and wife need to put these to use if they want to unlock the door to happiness.

KEYS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE:   Key #1 is Love

There are three kinds of love — a marriage needs all three

There are different kinds of love: A warm personal affection for someone; the love felt between family members; and romantic love. All three of need to be cultivated between a wife and husband.

When love is is cultivated by a couple, the marriage will last and be happy. It is the perfect bond of union.

Do you have all of these types of love in your marriage? If not, can they be cultivated?

KEYS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE: Key #2 is Mutual Respect

Do you think more of your mate than you do of yourself?

Respect means giving consideration to one another. Those who respect their mates are not just interested in themselves. They develop a deep, personal interest in the happiness of their mates. They consider what is best for their partner – the partner is given priority.

It is not reasonable that two people would have identical views on everything. What is important to one may not be important to the other. But each should respect the views and choices of their partner.

And they should respect their mate’s dignity as well by not making them the object of demeaning jokes or comments, whether private or public.

KEYS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE: Key #3 is Good Communication

Take Time to LISTEN to Your Mate

A loving husband will converse with his wife about her problems and activities. A wife needs a husband who will take the time and interest to really listen to what she has to say. The converse is also true. A husband needs his wife to listen and care about what he has to say as well.

Many wives complain their husbands don’t talk with them. This can lead to serious problems if a wife feels the need to seek a sympathetic ear outside the marriage.

The way partners communicate is also important. The tone of voice and choice of words convey great meaning. One partner might say: “Clean up your mess!” Or, they might say, “Are you done in here? Let me give you a hand cleaning this up.” Which appeals to you?

Good communication flourishes when words are spoken gently, with kindness and tenderness.

If your child is about to leave for school and it is raining, what do you do?  Do you send her out without a rain coat? Or do you wrap him in so much protective clothing he can’t move?

Neither, of course. You give your child just what is needed for protection and to keep him dry.

Likewise, parents must find a balanced way to protect their family from destructive influences. Some parents do too little; others are too restrictive. How do you strike a balance?

Extremes are ineffective. They can cause more problems than they solve.

HOW TO COUNTERACT BAD INFORMATION

Parents need to be ready to counter bad advice or wrong counsel that may be taught to their children at school, in the entertainment medium, or by their friends and peers.

To do this, parents need to know the instruction their children are receiving.

So parents have homework, too! Your homework is to talk with your kids and find out what they are learning. Look over their assignments. Review their test results. Talk to their teachers and offer to help.

THE DANGERS OF PEER PRESSURE

Youngsters are susceptible to peer pressure and may feel overwhelmed by a desire to please and impress their friends. It is important to choose good friends -– but youngsters don’t always choose well. They need their parents to help them.

Teach your children from an early age to have respect for people who are honest, kind, generous and energetic.

Do you know who your children’s friends are? Encourage them to invite their friends to come over so you can meet them. If you are not pleased with your children’s choices, help them to find new friends in wholesome environments.

HOW CAN I PROTECT MY CHILDREN?

There are many areas in which our children need protection. We have listed just a few in this article.

The important point is to stay involved as parents. Do not be too permissive, yet do not be overly restrictive. Neither position will have positive results.

By keeping a free flow of communication between parent and child, and involving yourself in your child’s decision making process, you can protect your children.

By far the majority of people agree on this: Family life and happiness are related. One survey indicated that 85% of the men polled said that their family life is very important to their satisfaction.

And yet many men have chosen to abandon their families and divorce. More and more women, too, are opting to end marriages.

We can’t change what others do. But we should be concerned in improving our own family life — especially between husband and wife.

So this is where we will start on our journey in “Our Family Matters.” Subsequently we will look at other areas of family relationships — coping with life’s problems, child rearing, money problems, etc.

So come and join us. Share with us your messages. Let’s talk family. Because our families matter.